These past few weeks have been hard. I want to tell you all the ways it has been hard. I want to tell you all the people who have helped or offered to help. I want to tell you the conversations that I have had. The life changing conversations that I didn't expect to have this early in life. The small comments made that have been so encouraging. The small comments made that got under my skin. I want to tell you about the small quiet moments that have spoken peace into my soul. I want to tell you all the ways I have grown so far. But I'm afraid they are too raw and will be hurtful.
So I will tell you two small stories about my kids and this time. A couple weeks ago when we found out that this was really the end my husband was at the hospital with my father in law. We decided to take the kids to see him one more time. I had to prepare my kids for what was going on, so I started talking. I think God gave me the right words. We got to the parking lot and my son jumped out because he thought he was going to get sick. He didn't, but this proved he is an anxious kid and sometimes that anxiety is manifested physically. He wore his sadness on his face as we walked in to the oncology department. A nurse saw him and asked him why he was sad. His answer was heartbreaking. "My pawpaw's gonna die." Then he started crying again. I hugged him and teared up myself. The nurse was obviously sorry she asked the question and I felt sorry for her too. Daddy came out of PawPaw's room and gave hugs. He gathered up his courage and went in to the room. He chatted with PawPaw and said goodbye.
Lily, being only 3, doesn't really understand this. She just catches on to a few phrases and then repeats those. With luck, she adds her thoughts to the end. One of the things I said in my explanation was to ask if my son remembered how PawPaw lost his hair. That phrase she latched on to. So as we were walking out of the hospital and back to the car, she said, "PawPaw lost his hair and we are going to go find it for him." Both my son and I laughed.
Her laughter and joy and simplicity has made this trying time much better.
If you feel so inclined, we have set up a GoFundMe to help pay medical expenses as well as the final expenses we will be facing. Thank you.