Thursday, June 5, 2014

Doubts about Motherhood: Who am I?

A few weeks ago I started a new series about doubts I have faced or have heard others face as mothers. So far we have discussed:
Breastfeeding
Pain Medicine

'Who I Am?' photo (c) 2007, Tony Hall - license: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

This week might sound like an odd one, but it is something that I have worried about and then I've worried about worrying about it.

I worry about saying that I am a mother because if I say it and claim it on this blog and other places in my life, then that will limit me to just being a 'mommy blog' and not being able to contribute to other conversations. I love being a wife and mother. I love my family, so my reluctance has nothing to do with how I feel about them. On the contrary, how I feel about them has to do with my reluctance.

I worry that about inviting people to get too close. I want some things to be just us, to be sacred.

I also worry about alienating non mothers who read my blog. I don't want them to feel like they don't belong in this space with me.

I worry about being categorized as just a mom. Because it feels like people won't value my opinion as much. It makes me feel like people see me as an airhead when I am 'just a mom'.

I don't want to simply define myself as a mom. I don't want to limit my experiences that I share here and in life to only mom experiences. I want to be valued for more than just the fact that I have two kids.

And quite frankly I worry about becoming one of those perpetually happy moms that always have everything together and even when they are pouring out their heart it is still all together.

I want to share the messy times. I don't want to be unapproachable. I wasn't too be a mom and a woman. I want to be realistic and optimistic. I wasn't too be intelligent and goofy. And yes of course on paper, I can be all that. Today I can be alall that. But what about next week when I forget to fight? What about in real life?

I just keep talking to God about it all and try to listen to him more than myself.

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