Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Love not Guilt
2014 has not been an easy year for my family and I. God has brought is through it with provision and strength that still stuns me. With these difficulties and blessings, I have found time to just sit. This sitting and being has brought me struggles and enlightenments. For a while, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for not doing more. I felt guilty for not writing more. I felt guilty for not pushing harder. I tried to make myself busy and then someone told me busy stood for Being Under Satan's Yoke. Then I started slowing down and settling into the sitting and being and stopping.
I finally heard that is was okay to stop for a little while. I finally accepted that maybe God wanted me to slow down and stop some things and cut back on others. On days when I was too nauseous to read my Bible because thinking too hard made me nauseous, I was okay with that. When laundry and dishes piled up because I was too tired, it was okay. I took things slower and I liked it. I finally managed to stop feeling guilty about the way I was living my life and enjoy actually living it.
So I have come to the conclusion that love and guilt cant be in he same place. I don't want to read my Bible out of guilt. I don't want to pray out of guilt. I don't want to give out of guilt. I want to do it because I love to do it. I want to hang out with people because I love hanging out with them. I want to live for love and not for guilt.
Along those lines, I.haven't given any money to Typhoon Hyian. There are 5 other projects to give to and it goes behind those. I start feeling guilty because those people are in need and I have. However, there are others in need and I have for them too. I don't have for all of them though. So I feel guilty that I can't give to all of them. Then I stop and remember that love and guilt can't exist in the same place. So I work my way back to love. I realized that somewhere along the lines I equated my contributing to a project or need with my money. I threw off the idea of using my voice to tell others or to pray for the project. God is bigger than my money. And he's big enough to use me for more than my money. So I serve him in love and let him lead me to the donations I need to make and when to make them. Besides my money, I need to use my voice and my prayer to contribute to those causes as well.
So love and not guilt because love can't exist in the same place as guilt.