Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I thought I knew
I thought I was pregnant. I had all the signs. I thought for sure this was God's plan. I heard him speak to me about pregnancy. Drew had a dream about a baby and a name. I knew it was still early and the home test said no. But still I just knew this was it.
We had a doctor's appointment and I was sure it was a formality. This would be positive and that would be the proof needed to tell everyone.
The doctor said negative.
Maybe we were off on the timing. There is still a chance. I mean I still have all the signs right. I have fatigue and shortness of breath and headache and more. So it could still happen.
Then I felt it. I felt the cramps coming. We asked people to pray that God's will was clear. It is becoming clear, but I'm not yet ready to admit it. I can't admit I was that wrong.
The sun has set long ago and I'm still trying to go to sleep. The cramps are the worst I have had in a long time. I feel the pain in my thighs and my back and my stomach and my hips. I have to make sure to lay the right way or the pain radiates down my legs. And another pain is in my heart. Did I do something wrong? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I drink too much caffeine? Could I have been better?
I finally fall asleep. I get up in the morning and I feel a little more ready to face the truth. I get to school to administer a test. I try to stand as the administrator should. My whole body is protesting. I feel the pain pulsating in my hips and thighs. My bones begin to ache and I can't possibly keep standing. I sit and feel better. I walk frequently, but I can't just stand. Today I am thankful for such a good proctor. I am so glad there are two of us here because today this pain is killing me.
I get an Advil at lunch. It begins to take affect and I can face the rest of the day.
We asked people to pray that God's will was clear. It is now quite clear. His answer is not now.
It still leaves me wondering. Did I really hear him? Is that really what he said? Or did I mess it up that bad? If I missed this so badly, if all symptoms were all in my head, then what else have I gotten wrong? Are there words I need to take back? Are there pronouncements from God that were really just from me? What does this say about my faith? Have I led others astray as I led myself astray? Am I really good enough to to tell people about him?
I will quiet the questions.
I will quiet the doubts.
I will quiet my mouth.
I will wait on Him.