So you may or may not have noticed the little graphic on the right side of this blog.
Go look. I'll wait.
So you can see that I have lost 20 pounds so far. My goal is 40 by the end of the year. The first 20 was pretty easy. However in the last few weeks eating well and exercising has been hard. In fact I've gained back 2 pounds. I haven't put it on my tracker because I really don't want to feel like a failure. If I saw it in real numbers, then I would probably feel that way.
When I can keep my eating going according to plan, then I lose weight. I have a plan for breakfast to keep me full until lunch. My lunch plan is Greek yogurt and sometimes a nutrition bar. Then I start feeling guilty for spending the money that those cost. So I either don't eat anything or I eat whatever is in the house. Either one is unhealthy and not a good plan.
I have also been tracking my calories. When I actually see them in print, good decisions become easier. When I see them all added up, then I stand and work a little more. I haven't been doing that for a couple weeks because I can get to be a perfectionist about tracking calories and take away from my family. That isn't cool either.
I feel like I'm giving up on the losing weight thing to focus on my family, my job, and my writing. And those are good things to focus on. However when I stop 'working' at losing weight, then I feel like a failure and I feel fatter. So that doesn't help.
These are really just tiny little changes. So why am I stressing over them? Why can't I figure out how to do them all? How do I end up just feeling guilty for everything I do?
My take away from all of this is the following.
Eat because I like it. Not out of obligation.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
(And I want to be able to go up and down the stairs in our house 25 times without getting out of breath.)