Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Doubts

Doubt Photo Credit: Beshef

Quite obviously I have not been posting much on here. And if you follow me on Twitter, you might notice me a little quieter on there as well. 2013 has been rough to us so far. Cancer, migraines, and bills have beaten us up. However through it all, we have come together closer as a family. And for that I am eternally grateful. I promise that I am.

But maybe because of this or in spite of this, I have become overrun with doubts the last few weeks. I'm second guessing everything I'm doing. In the last few months, I've started selling Scentsy. Things have been going well and I've exceeded my initial goals. Yet this week I have felt a creeping sense of impending doom. I feel like the contacts I've made will suddenly blow away and I will fail. My full time job is as a teacher. Yet these last two weeks, I doubt everything I do. I worry that I'm too easy on the students. I worry that I'm too hard on them. I worry that I will be able to teach them anything useful. I worry that I will contribute to the stress and negativity floating around.

I have been very tired recently and not working out. I've been drinking more sodas and less water. I've not been eating well or regularly. All my plans of being healthy and losing weight are evaporating. The plans of being reasonable and going slowly are slipping out of my already tenuous grip. They were being moved out by thoughts of bigger losses quicker. And now those are being pushed aside by fears of no change and not reaching the goal that I set.

I am also a writer and I've been stressing about this blog post today because I feel like my words are too simple. I feel my words are disconnected and useless. I had set March as the month to finish my NaNo novel. I have a general outline of how to get to the end, but I have found that I don't care. It is so difficult for me to fall in love enough with a character to see them through until the end. So I'm not going to finish it this month. Once again I have a fiction project at which I have failed. I would really love to write a fantasy story, but those are supposed to be big complicated things like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. I can't do all that.

I'm doubting that I really am a writer. I'm doubting that I'm a storyteller. And if I'm not a storyteller, then why the heck did I get a tattoo? Is that now useless? Isn't it supposed to represent who I am? Was it a mistake to step out and claim this is who I am?

Then I listened to a team call with Scentsy and remember that I don't always see where this is leading. I see all my students progressing in their various assignments and realize I must be doing something right. I chatted with a girl from youth group about women and our weight. I gave her words and started to believe them myself. I participated in the #writestuff chat last night and they are there to encourage me to find what works for me.

So even thought the doubts are still attacking me, I'm going to cling to these voices of encouragement that I have heard. I will follow where God leads me and not look at other roads that are not mine to take. I will trust his plan for my life and not my own.

"Better Together" Photo Credit: taberandrew










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