In the weeks after Ben was born, I remember standing in the kitchen of the apartment we were quickly growing out of and crying. Ben was gassy all time and slept several hours less than the 'average'. So sleeping and eating were both difficult. Drew and I had started watching episodes of Seinfeld or King of Queens on DVD as the nights turned into morning. It was a tiny spot of laughter in the weeks of survival. We had thought we were prepared for this, but we were so wrong.
On that particular day, Ben was crying in pain from thrush. It was first a small spot and then developed into a large section of his small mouth. We were waiting for the doctors office to call back. We needed medicine. It just took one call from the doctor and he could begin recovering. And that wasn't coming. Stressed doesn't begin to explain it.
In the waiting and helplessness through tears, I finally said the words that had been in my head for so many days. "I don't know if I love him like I should."
As the words left my mouth, I knew them to be false in my head. However, my heart was not yet convinced. My husband's gentle kiss to my forehead and his soft words, "Yes you do." were confirmation that I needed. And now 4 years later, I am beginning to understand what I struggled with in that kitchen. Love is not an emotion. It is a verb. It is an action. It isn't about what I feel, but how I act. So I stop worrying about if I feel it or not and I do what I am led to do.
It is then that I am loving my son.