Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm not ready for this




Tuesday we noticed that our dog wasn't acting like herself.  She wasn't eating. She wasn't responding to any of our attempts to feed her.  She wasn't chasing her tennis balls.  She wasn't responding to any of our attempts to play with her.  Yesterday wasn't any better and Drew wanted to take her to the vet.  However the vet closed early, so we didn't get to take her.  We were both very worried about what was the matter with her and how severe it was.  Drew texted me to tell me about all of this.  On the way home, I didn't really want to talk about it.  So I turned on the radio and flipped around to find something.  What I found was a song from my teen years, Feed Jake by Pirates of the Mississippi.  So of course I cried.  Then God and I had a talk with God about all this.  I very frankly told him that I wasn't ready for this.  I am not ready to explain to my 3 year old where Abbey went and why she isn't coming home.  I am not ready to come home and not see her.  I am not ready to cease hearing her whine to go outside or to get her food on her time schedule.  I'm not ready to sleep without her in the room waking me up licking her paws or rearranging herself on her bed again.  I'm not ready for that.

I took a deep breath and in that breath, he asked me a question.  "Will you walk with me through this?  Will you stick with me no matter what happens?"  I took another breath.  I replied, "Yes.  I will.  I'm still not ready for it, but I'll trust that you are."  In that moment, I meant every word of that.  And today which is Maundy Thursday, when we commemorate the Last Supper and the first Communion.  Today all those years ago Jesus gave us the words, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." (Luke 22:19)  And, "Drink from it all of you.  This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." (Matthew 26:28)  Even today, I have to take another deep breath and say I still mean it.  

Side note:  Abbey ate some french fries last night and chased her tennis ball some.  Whatever it is, I think she is getting better.

2 comments:

  1. My heart hurt for you reading this -- it's never easy to have to put a pet down. So I was *very* happy to read Abbey is on the mend! Hope she is continuing to improve. :)

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  2. Thank you for your words. It is very comforting to know other people get it.

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