Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tried of trying

This week I have had a cold.  Nothing like I can't get out of bed horrible, but something that just makes each day a little harder.  I have been extremely tired and very sniffly all week.  Because of that, I have been a little more relaxed about my coffee stance.  I have been trying to go with mostly decaf.  I have some decaf at home and I have the one cup coffee maker, so I make my coffee there and bring it to school.  Sleeping in this week has caused me to need coffee more and not have time to make it at home. (Plus I need to replace the filter in my Britta pitcher, so the water that I am using isn't good for the coffee maker.)  And even if I did make it at home, it wouldn't be what I needed, caffeine, to keep me awake.  So I have had 3 cups of coffee at work this week, instead of 0 or 1 that I have been working toward.  On top of that we bought a 2 gallon jug of sweet tea as a refreshment for our small group Sunday.  For it to be bought from the store it is pretty good.  So I've been drinking that as well.  Partly to get it out of the house and partly because it is good.

At first, I felt like a bit of a failure.  I have been trying so hard to drink more water and eat less in an effort to get healthy.  I have been working really hard on getting rid of caffeine from my diet.  And now this week I have ruined all my progress.  I didn't stay with that thought long because on top of being sick, this is a testing week at school and I have had 4 extra meetings.  So this is a bit of an aberration and I'll get back on track next week.  So when that thought left, the one that replaced it is why am I working so hard at this.  I could say that it is because I want to treat my body better.  I could say that it is because I want to have more energy.  I could say that it is my New Year's resolution.  All of that would be untrue.  The real reason I have been trying to be healthier is to have another a baby.

There I said it out loud, so you all can start with the myriad of questions and knowing looks and whatever else is coming.  Drew and I are not trying to have another baby, but we aren't trying not to either.  We do not have a plan for when we might start trying.  I do want to have another baby.  I want Ben to have a little brother or sister.  I am terrified when I think of paying for another child or caring for another child.  I feel totally incapable of doing it well, but I know in my heart I want another one.  So in my wanting to have another one, but not wanting to manipulate God's timing.  I'm trying to get healthy.  That sounds good right, but the truth is I'm still manipulating him.  Because I'm trying in my own effort to have a baby.  As if I drink enough water and cut out this and that, then God will have to give me another one.  As if I complete X,Y, and Z, then he'll have to give me what I want.  That is manipulating God.  Even worse, it is selfishly trying to do it on my own and claiming I'm giving it to him.

So today I am tired of trying to do it on my own.  I'm tired of trying to figure it out on my own.  I'm tired of expecting my life to go one certain way.  I'm tired of manipulating God.  I'm tired of acting like I don't care about this.  I'm tired of playing games with myself.  I'm tired of playing games with God.  So starting today, I'm going to stop trying to do it my way.  I'm going to start asking God what he thinks and what he wants me  to do.  I'm going to stop listening to me and start listening to him.  I'm going to stop wanting it my way and start wanting it his way.

What are you trying to do on your own?  Do you need to give it to God?  Can I pray for you about that?  Let's do this together.

2 comments:

  1. So often we do want to try to "help" God, don't we? Thank you for such an honest post!

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  2. Your welcome. I'm glad it spoke to someone.

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