Thursday, October 13, 2011

Feeling something

I don't feel things like normal people.  I don't know what I feel until I am fully involved in it.  People ask me if I am okay long before I realize I'm not.  I can turn my compassion on and off easily.  I just put it out of my head and the feelings are gone.  My brain has become so detached from my heart that they no longer work in unison.  They function separately and most days this doesn't bother me.  I can sit comfortably in silence because my brain will spin stories and my heart just sits off to the side.  I hear about the struggles that other people have in their lives.  They identify these struggles and talk about them.  And I think how blessed I am not to have any struggles.  Something inside me says, "Not so fast."  I do have struggles, but I don't even know what they are.  I can't put them into words because my brain can't find them.  My heart knows them and has probably been shouting about them.  Most of the time my brain doesn't hear it.  Then there are those moments of clarity when my brain and my heart are saying the same thing.

Recently I had one of those moments in the middle of youth group.  My husband and I are very open about our past struggles and the stuff we are struggling with right now.  This honesty has helped me begin to reattach my brain and my heart.  I think of what our kids are going through and it reminds me of something in myself.  This particular night, Drew asked them to pick something in the room that describes them.  Tell us what it is and why.  They struggled, but eventually came up with things to say.  Me?  I immediately thought of the fan.  Funny thing is so did my husband.  He joked that I was like the fan because I'm a blowhard.  Was he reading my mind?  Because that is exactly what I thought, but I was serious.  I feel like I'm constantly blowing my words and opinions on others.  I always have a thought and often share those thoughts.  I wonder or maybe I'm sure that people don't want hear what I have to say.  My opinions are just annoying and intrusive.  I'm like a fan blowing directly in your face.  That's what my heart says.

Some people question and doubt God when they are in tough times.  I don't.  I know God is there the same as He ever was.  I know He has the answers.  That's what my brain says.  I doubt me and question me.  I assume there is some fatal flaw in myself that is causing all this.  There is some mistake I have made that can never be made right.  I have done something or thought something that has changed my world forever.  I know God hasn't changed, but I don't know that he can fix it.  He doesn't need to be bothered with my minor issues because after all they are minor because it is just me.  That's what my heart says.

I hate thinking that about myself.  I'm sure there are some that would say it isn't true.  I'm also pretty sure that God would say otherwise.  Now if I can just convince my heart of that.


  1. you are SO much more in His eyes, more than you can ever imagine! he sees things in you that you never will, and you just have to trust in that. he also wants to heal your wounds and fix that disconnect. you are NEVER "minor." no such thing in His eyes.

    i wish i could give you the right words to evoke the true feelings. i applaud your honesty. hugs!

  2. Thank you so much for your concern/comment Jess. In the light of day, it's very easy to remember how important I am to God. Honestly, just saying all this has helped me immensely.

    Right now, I'm listening to my son and husband play in the other room after we have had a great time spent with my parents, who live a few states away, and I am very happy. God has blessed me so much. Focusing on those speaks to me about God's heart for me.

    Now I have encouragement in writing to come back too as well. Thanks again!

  3. Agreed, in my past experiences i found that it was easier to block things out that were bothering and not even show emotion about how it was happening or just reject the idea completely. back in elementary school i was kinda.. how you could say.. emo? i didn't really smile much, just sat there did my work all the time and really didn't associate and i had particular reasons not to but i just didn't ever notice how it changed how i was acting. people asked what was wrong and i would finally realize like you that i was acting different. sometimes it is difficult for people like me and possibly you to connect the brain and heart together but i believe in time and once i grew up a little bit more it became all the easier.

  4. I'm trying to focus on how I am feeling and why. I think it is slowly working.

    I guess practice makes perfect. :)

  5. hmm i am weird when it comes to showing how i feel. I don't like people asking if "im okay", it just makes me feel inferior for some reason. so even if i feel horrible and my life is going terrible, i make sure im smiling. Like on those days, people will come up to me like why are you so happy today? just because i'm making such an effort not to get asked if im okay. When my great grandmother died and i missed school then came back, i was miserable that day, because everyone was like "makayla im so sorry, are u okay?" i know i shouldnt be like that but it bothered me so much. so i guess my mind rules over my heart? sure.. haha but yeah, guess i shouldn't care if people ask, just shows they actually care about me, but i still don't like it. -kayla

  6. Thank you so much for sharing that! I definitely think part of it is just being a teenager. I don't think you need to share everything you are feeling. As long as you have one person that you can talk to, that's the most important thing.
    Plus, 'are you okay?' is kind of a weird question. It's almost like saying 'you look weird today.' or 'you are acting weird today.' It's hard to know how to respond. I mean does the person asking want to know all the details of what is going on or are they just being polite? Odd.