Friday, October 21, 2011

Feeling guilty

Based on my post last week, I have been trying to focus more on what I am feeling and to deal with it.  I thought it might be a good idea to blog about some of these feelings.  So Mondays are poetry, Wednesdays are open to whatever and Fridays are about feelings.  Now having said that I'm feeling a little trapped into this new schedule, like it is forever.  So I'm reminding myself that this is my blog and I can change it whenever I feel like it.  I will do this as long as I feel like it works.

This week began with me feeling guilty.  I am the tech coordinator for our school.  Mostly, I have to provide 2 tech trainings this year on various technology available to teachers.  Although I only have to do 2, I will be doing 7.  The story of how I got from 2 to 7 is long one.  Mostly it has to do with feeling guilty.  Each teacher in the district has to attend 4 this year.  In the first couple months, I have done 4 trainings on 3 topics, one was a repeat.  Most teachers in the building have not attended a training yet.  Some have schedule conflicts and others I suppose is laziness.  I find myself feeling guilty for not providing these trainings at a convenient time for all the teachers.  I have scheduled extras and moved trainings around in an effort to find a convenient time for everyone.  Of course that doesn't happen, but I'm trying.  I get frustrated with myself for feeling guilty about their issues.  It is up to them to come to these trainings and schedule them.  The schedule has been out for 2 months now and there are trainings scheduled across the district all the way into April.  There is no reason for them to not get to 4.  I suppose I find myself feeling guilty because I am a perfectionist and I feel some sort of responsibility for my school to complete these requirements correctly.  So Monday I did one training, which because of meetings and rescheduled athletics many could not attend.  I felt guilty and scheduled a repeat for Thursday.  I felt a little better about that and then I got home.

When I got home, I felt guilty all over again because when I am doing these trainings that puts an extra hour or so on my husband with my son.  He has had a long day at work and I should be home to help out with Ben while Drew is cooking or whatever.  Mostly Ben just loves running and playing all the time.  It works best when there are 2 of us to help keep him busy.  It is a lot of work for one person.  I feel guilty for putting that extra work on Drew so consistently.  Drew doesn't make me feel guilty.  In fact, he tries hard to do the opposite.  He never says the extra time is a problem.  He always says and means he understands and it is okay.  Still I feel guilty.

Two more examples of me feeling guilty recently.  Last weekend we had a lock in at church with our youth.  Drew and I ended up sleeping on the cold tile floor.  It was uncomfortable and I was mentally complaining about how uncomfortable it was.  Then I felt guilty for being uncomfortable and complaining in my head because there are thousands of people who sleep on the floor everyday.  I am extremely blessed to have a warm home and a comfortable bed to sleep in.  Somehow feeling blessed and feeling guilty have become intertwined for me.  I realize this is not how is should be and I'm working on that.  Baby steps, but I'm working on that.

Last one, Dan Wheldon, an Indy car driver, died last Sunday at Las Vegas Internation Raceway.  He had a wife and two young sons.  My heart breaks for them and the family has been in my prayers this week.  I thought how horrible it was for his family to be going through this.  Then I felt guilty for giving sympathy to his family because there are people starving every day in the Horn of Africa.  How can I give sympathy to his family and put so much thought into them when there are others experiencing this every day?  Feeling guilty once again.  My solution has been to not think about either situation.  That is NOT the right solution.  I realize that now.  So my new solution is going to be pray for both situations when I think of one or the other.

These guilty feelings are something I have been fighting for a large portion of my adult life.  It is probably just an issue I am going to have to deal with for a long time.  Some days are going to be better than others, but I know this is one of the "thorns in my flesh."  I need to continue to face these feelings and pray through them.

Have you faced anything like this?  What do you do with your feelings of guilt?  Any advice for me?

Linking up with Casey:


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