The last week or month or year have been some kind of ride for me. Wow! Could that sentence be any more anti-climactic? I am poorly attempting to communicate that I have been going through a season in my life of unknown length. During this season, I have grown my millimeters and fractions of an inch. That may not seem like much, but put all of those together and it does become quite a distance. I don't remember when I gained this patience that I didn't have before. I don't remember when I became less uptight. I don't remember when I started believing God really did have good planned for me no matter what. I may not remember exactly when they happened, but I have go them now. I am closer to God than I was before and after all that is the goal isn't it.
However, I am not perfect. I still struggle. I struggle with guilt for my mistakes, guilt for being rich, guilt for having a good life. I struggle with my tendency to complain about people before I love them. I struggle with trying to fix things myself. I struggle with talking to God more than I listen. I struggle with listening to people when I should talk. I struggle with talking to people when I should listen. I struggle with expecting compliments for the things I do and shunning them for other things I do.
These may not seem like big, "important" struggles, but they are genuine. I do struggle with those things and these struggles directly affect my relationships. They affect my relationship with God and my relationships with other people. In this post last week, I was working out my feelings about some changes at work. I have to say I did not take them well. I pouted like a toddler, tried to fix it myself, ranted and raved, and thought my world was ending. All of this I did before, I sat down and listened to God. Thankfully, I have a wonderful co-worker who reminded me that I need to walk out my faith at work. I walk in faith at church with our youth. I walk in faith with my family and friends. I walk in faith so many places, but here was a glaring problem. I was not walking in faith at work. My work where I make an impact on the lives of children and hopefully co-workers. I wasn't walking in faith there. In fact, I was making it harder for some people to do their job. How Christ-like is that?
Living publicly is something I have been called to do. I know God has called me to transparency. I have recently read of others who have been called to the same thing. (In case you want to read them, Casey Weigand and Jaime the very worst missionary) They have inspired me and challenged me to continue. Still others have challenged me to not judge them for not living that way. God calls us all to different walks that are unique to us and who we are right in that moment. People around me need to see the real me all the time with all the messiness and mistakes, as well as the victories. So walking it out and living publicly don't just involve this online forum, my Sunday School class, or my family. It also involves my workplace, my entire church, and my extended family. It involves those places where it can be uncomfortable to lay open my life for inspection, but I need to keep walking. God has a plan and when I follow it, good happens all around. So even though it is hard, uncomfortable, and embarrassing, I'm going to be walking out my faith for all the world to see.