I had a much more detached and cerebral post planned, but I can't do it. I have to pour out my heart and tell you everything I'm thinking. Not just because this is my blog and that's what I'm supposed to do, but because this is a community based on Christ and transparency is essential.
The week I spent in Honduras has changed me. "Well duh!" you say. I know that's what mission trips are supposed to do and I expected some change. I didn't expect this much change or for such a struggle when I returned. Going down there I had a few ideas of what I wanted to accomplish. Things like reconnecting with Latin America to share with my colleagues when I returned and getting some good ideas for the classes I'm teaching in the fall. I was thinking of this trip as a way to connect me to my new responsibilities at my job. And it has done that some.
I expected to be more appreciative of what I have and I am. I have really been enjoying simply watching TV with Drew, eating as a family, and playing with Ben. The simple act of getting a glass of water has become special. I am beginning to realize what a luxury it is and I'm taking advantage of it. I don't feel like I need soda or tea. I am genuinely enjoying drinking water. Having a closet full of clothes and a paved road to walk on are things I see with new eyes. These are things that I hope to take with me from now on. This appreciation is something I hope to hold on to. Even now, sitting here listening to Ben scream because he doesn't want to take a nap. I realize that these moments are special even when they try your patience. God has blessed me TREMENDOUSLY to be able to live here in the U.S. with anything I want within reach. There are certainly problems and things we could learn from other places, but we are also very lucky.
What I didn't expect was the kids. Each individual kid was SOOO amazing. They are hard working, creative, and loving. They are fun and humorous. They are honest and just. They get along wonderfully with each other. I may spell some names wrong, but I need to mention each one. Paola, Milda, Liliana, Malena, Dionora, Maria, Dania, Joselin, Eva, Luz, Dariela, Maycol, Junior, Bayron, Oscar, Edin, Moises, Raul, Haroll, Jonatan, Axell, Luis, and Denis. And I can't forget to mention some of the AMAZING women who work there, Alicia, Gloria, and Maricarmen. I am in love with this place and these people. I could go on and on about the special things about each one, but I'll reserve that for another post. I am ready to go back there right now. I am genuinely missing these kids. I'm here at home feeling not so useful. It seems that there is so much left to do. If these kids were adoptable (their parents can't raise them, but they still have guardianship.), I would have honestly come home and started adoption proceedings. I know I'm not the only one of my group that felt that way.
I am repeating "Not my will, but Yours be done." I'm hoping I'll start meaning that soon. I hope I begin to focus again on what needs to be done in front of me here and now instead of obsessing over what is out of my control. I need to have faith that God has a special plan for each one of these children. I don't have to plan it or be a part of that plan. Bottom line, I didn't expect to leave part of my heart in Honduras and I'm not really sure what to do about it either.
In case you want a little lighter review of the trip check out my other post and Katie Hawkins
Linking up with Casey for "What is on your heart?" Friday.